“My heart still breaks every time I hear your name, and I tend to hear my heart whisper your name to my mind over and over again. It still hurts…”, I cried out one night.
About 5 months ago, I lost someone that I considered the love of my life. I’ve always known that we weren’t meant to be together for life, but I loved this person more than anything. The more I tried to ignore my truth, the more it had shown up in my life, but I kept it to myself. I was so scared to be without him because I couldn’t see myself living my life without him in it. For me, it was just about him and there was something so beautiful and romantic about that. There was something magical and out of this world about loving someone with such intensity, and as a hopelessly romantic old soul, this was more beautiful for me than anything else (as unhealthy as that may sound). It was more magical than terrifying and a part of me still finds it mindblowing that the human heart can push it’s entire self so far aside to allow someone else to live there. It really fascinates me that the human heart and mind can adjust to such great lengths.
The night we had broken up, I chose not to fight it because I knew this was the time God had chosen for us to go our separate ways. I’ve always known that if you aren’t meant to be with someone, you aren’t meant to be with them. Most of the time, we are aware of this, we just don’t want to face it but the truth is, you will never be able to escape your truth no matter how hard you try to suppress it. God knew that this person had become my weakness, therefore I could not leave, even though I was well-aware of the fact that our journeys weren’t meant to align forever. God knew I wasn’t strong enough to face my truth, so He took care of it for me. I knew I needed to accept the journey that we are both on and appreciate the time that we were together. It’s okay if it still breaks your heart when you think about the relationship you had, but in the long run, your brokenness shouldn’t be more than your gratitude. Gratitude is your ticket to healing, and if you are feeling broken right now, it’s okay, as long as you believe that you won’t always stay here. God has always had a plan and today I am so grateful for allowing God to take over and control all the happenings in my life. Through all the pain and suffering, my spirit is learning and growing. God has proven to me time and time again that He will always have your back and will always provide you with what you need when you need it.
Through all of this, one thing I have also learnt is that we should really be more grateful for the emotions that our bodies are able to feel and carry. So many of us wish our emotions would shut down the minute we are thrown into deep waters so that we don’t have to feel the pain, but we shouldn’t be this way. Having been put in a situation where I had no say or control over my emotions that had shut down and wanting nothing more but to feel again, has made me so much more grateful for the emotions our bodies have the strength to hold and express.
I am still growing and healing, but I am absolutely grateful for where I am in my life right now and the amount of growth it has taken for me to get here. I wouldn’t have my journey be any other way, because growth requires sacrifice, no matter how painful. These hard lessons teach you things you never knew you needed. Nothing is ever sunshine and roses, no matter how wonderful someone’s life may look from the outside. I must admit, for days I pondered and contemplated whether I should lay my heart out like this to you, a complete stranger, but we shouldn’t have to feel like we need to pretend that everything is perfect when there is so much more to it. As I’ve said before in an earlier blog post, this is real life. It’s not all pretty. I’ve never been able to accept the pressure that comes with society, where you naturally feel pressured to pretend that your life is amazing and I don’t have to.
So for this reason, I have chosen to let you in on my life, with one intention and one intention only: To change your life and be a light in this world, no matter how small.